Discipline

"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works." 2 Timothy 3:16-17

"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4

"Some fathers exasperate their children by being overly strict and controlling. They need to remember that rearing children is like holding a wet bar of soap – too firm a grasp and it shoots from your hand, too loose a grip and it slides away. A gentle but firm hold keeps you in control." ~ Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man

Discipline.

It is a very touchy subject.

Know that I am not here in an attempt to claim 'holier than thou' or anything of the sort. The good Lord knows that I have had my share of difficulties on the subject. I am here to share my understanding of the subject and what I have learned from experience and example.

Some people see or hear the word 'discipline' and automatically think BAD. People hear that they need to discipline their children, and they automatically think that they need to hit their child in their anger each time that the child does something foolish, as children do, to 'nip it in the bud' before the action becomes a habit. Some people read of the rod in Proverbs 22:15 and think that the rod is to be used all the time for every simple act of disobedience in order to drive foolishness from the heart of the child.

My friend, discipline means to train your child, not break your child.

I am not against 'spanking' or the rod of correction at all. It is biblical, when used in the right way. I am simply insisting that the rod is for extreme and sinful circumstances, as a last resort.

Truly, from experience, if you "...teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up" (Deuteronomy 11:19) and do it well and in line with God's Word, spanking should be few and far between.

A fact that I have learned, children get into less trouble when they are with you, as opposed to when they are left alone or to themselves. Elizabeth Krueger expanded on this in her publication of Raising Godly Tomatoes (all of which is available online via her website, free to read).

Here is an excerpt from her book, chapter seven, on what Tomato Staking means:

"Every gardener knows what I mean by "tomato staking". A tomato plant grows fast, big, and wild. If left untended, it soon sprawls out into an unwieldy heap. As the fruit grows, it weighs the plant down to the ground. Propping by this time is too late. Any attempt to retrain and redirect the growth of the branches will result in breakage and substantial loss of the fruit due to rot, disease, and pests.

On the other hand, a tomato plant which has been properly cared for, will produce an abundance of excellent fruit. From the beginning it must be watered, cultivated, pruned, fertilized, examined for pests, and staked up. The branches will grow the way they were propped and trained, and when the fruit is large and ripe the branches will have the strength to hold those beautiful tomatoes up off the wet ground. What a delight!

Think of your child as a tomato plant. Most parents provide too little staking for their growing young tomatoes. They care for them intimately when they are babies, but soon afterwards, begin letting them grow their own way. They feel uncomfortable assuming authority over their children and resort to the “Putting Out Fires” method of parenting. They try desperately to overlook misbehavior and avoid conflicts, unless forced into it by the magnitude of the offense or by their own anger. Serious character flaws and bad behavioral habits, once established, are very hard to change, just like the neglected branches of a tomato plant. Catching problems now and then won’t begin to make a dent in the problem. And just like the sprawling, unattended, unstaked tomato plant, there comes a point when it's simply too late. Your child’s heart will become firmly fixed in the position it has been growing for all the many hours in between your sporadic corrections and over the years when you’ve allowed outside influences and peer pressure to do your staking job for you."

So, at the root of the basics of training your child, or disciplining your child and teaching him self-discipline, is keep him 'staked' to you, keep him with you when possible, and address even small issues as they arise and immediately, or they will turn into big issues later.

Next, live the example you preach.

We all know and even studies have shown that children follow more by example than by instruction.

For example, if your child has anger problems, and if you are trying to teach him to control his anger, spanking him in your anger towards him, yelling at him, and the like are NOT going to help! In fact, they will just make your problem BIGGER! In this instance, the rod should be spared enough so that his first impression is not to violence. In this instance in particular, provoking your child to anger is VERY very unstable ground. Do not allow him to yell at you, but lower your voice first and refuse to yell at him, explaining that you will talk with him about this issue, but not until he calms down enough to be civil. BE THE BIGGER PERSON here, and set the example of the action or character that you want to see in your child.

If you have a child who wants to be with you, no matter how tempting it is to get aggravated at his tendency to be underfoot, do not discourage him. Children need to learn that they can always come to mommy or daddy, and they will always be welcome. They need the assurance of knowing that they come before the dishes, the computer, the laundry, and all else material.

Next, be swift, precise, and consistent in addressing issues. Have a zero tolerance policy, but also while keeping the above in mind. Be unwavering in your expectations, but be gracious and gentle with your children, just as our Father in heaven is gracious and gentle with us each time we fail. It is very tempting to let the flesh reign and get aggravated, and it is even more tempting to let that aggravation show, but it is ESSENTIAL that you take all thoughts captive and let your actions and words only resemble those of our Lord Jesus Christ. If God were to strike us down with lightening each time we fail in our walk with Him, I can assure you that I would have been nothing but a scorched spot on this earth a long time ago! We are called to be long suffering, and I think that especially applies to raising our children. Parenting with Grace and Truth I heard it called once. We have received grace, so should we freely give it. As Jesus gently shepherds His sheep, so should we gently shepherd ours.

When the rod is necessary, I have found that this procedure helps:

FIRST: Tame your own thoughts and feeling that will be naturally inclined to anger and bitterness. Take it to God in prayer, and seek His guidance on the subject at hand.

Take the child aside, away from others (No spanking should be done in public. We do not seek to embarrass or humiliate our children) and explain to him, calmly and gently, what he has done wrong, and why it warrants physical punishment. Give him an example from Scripture of his sin (I also believe that the rod should NOT be used if the behavior is not a sin against God. I know that people will sometimes take the "honor thy father and thy mother" commandment and say that "My child didn't do what I said so that is a sin against God!" and then spank each time the child does not do what they say, or when they do what they were told not to do, which leads to quite a lot of spanking. I do not support that at all. A child is going to disobey you, as the parent. That is just something that you are going to have to come to terms with. I am speaking of the rod for TRUE Scriptural sin.) and then tell him what he is going to receive as punishment. (I never condone any more than five 'pops' for any child, and less for those younger than four.)

Then deal it to him swiftly. When it is over, ask him if he can tell you why he received the punishment, and after he answers, ask him to tell you what he can do in the future to correct the problem and prevent further correction.

When he answers correctly and adequately, let it be a done deal. Drop the subject.

Do not remain mad at him. Forgive, and wipe the slate clean (Grace).

Upfront I will warn you that YOUR LIFE WILL SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE A BROKEN RECORD!! But know that through that repetition, you are helping to add concrete thoughts into your precious child's mind that will stay with him for the rest of his life, and that will prevail when all else seems to scatter.

KEY POINTS:

(Yes, I know that this is a big order to fill, and may seem impossible to many. I fail many times; in no way do I claim perfection. These things are essential, though, and they do help tremendously.)

~ Never raise your voice in anger. It only provokes, it does no good.
~ Discipline means to train, not break.
~ Keep your children with you as much as possible.
~ The rod is a means of correction when all else has failed. Overusing it will only lead to a lack of fear and appreciation of it.
~ Correct in private when it comes to physical correction.
~ When you have to physically correct a child, do it and then do not dwell on it.
~ As much grace that has been given to you, freely give back to your child.

Put these things into practice in your home and I promise, it will benefit.

I claim no perfection, and I claim not to have it 'all figured out', I only claim to know what I have learned and have put into practice in my own house. What works for us, I seek to share as to guide others who may be having troubles of their own that may be similar to what I had before.

All for God's glory.

Amen.