A Daily Struggle

I am sure that most of you know what I mean. Aside from the other stress factors that have been working themselves out lately, the tension level has been high, especially for me and my anxiety issues. Stress and anxiety mixed with family problems, issues with people spreading malicious gossip and lies, and the utter uncertainty about the future is just plain unsettling to say the least.

I get so mad at myself sometimes, because it seems like just when I feel like I have conquered a spiritual obstacle, it swings back around to knock me down again. I thank the Lord daily for Grace, for without it I would be a hopeless cause.

I'm talking about anger problems.

Problems stemming from my darker past, problems that I have dealt with, given to the Lord, and forgiven for. Problems that can't be forgotten, but can be learned from and dealt with to avoid a repeat of the past.

But still, all of these ingredients combined make a recipe for disaster.

Regrettably, my temper still flares. I do raise my voice, and I lose patience.

In the midst of trying to keep my small children from making messes and getting into things in someone else's home, I get flustered when I can't keep an eye on all of them all of the time. I feel so guilty when someone else happens by to pick up a toy that I have either missed or haven't gotten to yet because I feel like it's my responsibility and I don't want to be a burden.

For the same reason that I see chores that need to be done and do them when I am able, I do not want to be a burden. Plus my hands are getting fidgety having gone from managing a house to trying to merge in with someone else's. It's not my place, I don't want to intrude, but I will do what I can.

So, back to the scraps to build up again. Patching here and there only prolongs the inevitable falling apart, I must choose a new fabric and cut a new pattern.

People tell me not to blame myself. After all, who can have five children ages five and under and not raise their voice.... ever. But, regardless, I do blame myself. If I am to teach my children to have a better handle on their emotions, I first must have a handle on mine... at ALL times. THAT is my responsibility.

Also, my older three children are hitting a rebellious stage in which I have instituted a Bible verse motto that they have and will continue to memorize and recite: Ephesians 6:1 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord; for this is right." My children must learn obedience. Some would call my tactics wrong, but I do expect immediate and unquestioned obedience from my young children. Children will always live up to your expectations anyways, so why not aim reasonably high? They way they respond to me and my husband now in obedience is and will be a direct connection to how they respond in obedience to God later in life, and He does not like disobedience any more than I tolerate it from my children. When my children are grown, if God tells them to jump, I want my children to ask, "How far?" not "But why?" Right now I respond with a variant of "Because I said so," (GASP!!) because later that will extend to "Because God says so," and that will be the final answer in God's Book. Why, as Christians, do we do anything right? Because God says so. Sure, because we love Him too and desire to please Him, but also because He says so. God says Do Not Steal, and we love Him and want to please Him, so we do not steal.

Respect for authority, as well, because how they respond to our authority now will not only relate to how they respond to legal authority later in life, but also how they will respond to God's authority in their lives. FEAR of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom, and it is rooted in obedience, respect, and a desire to please Him. I hold a reverent fear of my husband, because I love him, I want to please him, and I do not want to see him angry, much less be the object of his anger or disappointment. So, I do what I can to make him happy and comfortable. I think there is a good relation there. Worth some contemplation anyway.

So, overall, things are going pretty well. Still no word on the truck or any if the stuff, but it's just stuff and it can be replaced, in time. God is working, and I am waiting in faith. All will work for His glory, and that is what is important.

This is just a stagnant delay, gloriously ordained. A dry spell, if you will. Like a black and white photo in which the joy of color evades, but the beauty is there, nonetheless. You just have to look a little deeper for it.