You know that sudden moment that hits you like a runaway freight car? That screeching moment when you finally start realizing that you are doing more damage than good, and you need to change, and quick?
Well, that moment happened to me about a year ago. Okay, maybe two years ago now.... time flies.
I had been winging this whole parenting thing. Having neither parents to model myself after, nor a good steady source of encouragement to apply myself to, I really had no clue what I was doing. Sure, I knew what the Bible said, I just didn't know how to apply it in a "real life" perspective, and the concept of grace was still a bit foreign to me too.
I knew many ladies who were wonderful mothers. They seemed to have it all together, they had the right balance of love, liberty, and discipline, and their kids seemed to be growing into very well mannered adults. I also wrongfully envied these ladies because they had it all together. Experience had taught them much, much more than I knew. I desired to put myself under the tutelage of these women, but I just wasn't quite sure how to approach it, and no one would ever come to me and say, "Hey, you know, maybe you should try doing this instead of what you are doing...."
I was beyond my wit's end, many times, just trying to figure things out. My husband is the puzzle solver, not me. I always hated puzzles growing up, they were so confusing and time consuming, although I did love a good mystery novel..... but I digress.... back to the freight train....
It hit me one day, head on. Here I was (thanks to the world wide web and modern technology) surrounded by women, all sorts of women! Those with good qualities, those with not-so-good qualities, and those with a healthy mix of godliness and grace to go along with it all. Oh, how many hours had I spent praying that God would send me someone, someone to take me under their wing and be tough on me, and tell me how to do it right! A prayer that, to this day, remains unanswered in the way that I was originally looking for it to be answered. But so goes the things of our mighty and glorious God.
I realized, as I took the brunt of this freight car impact in the very core of my being, that putting myself under someone did not have to be done to their knowledge. I had a lot to glean from those whom God had seen fit to surround me with, and even if I longed for a "real life" friendship and fellowship with like-minded ladies, well, that just wasn't going to happen in this season of my life just yet.
I had to change, and do it myself, by the strength and the grace of my Lord and risen Savior.
But where to begin??
Like the aftermath of a hurricane, the damage seemed already too widespread and too much.... how could I ever fix the mess that I had worked so hard at making??? Much more than that.... how could I change just like that? God wasn't calling me to a gradual change, He was calling me to cold turkey. Lord help me!
I uncrumpled myself from the floor, wiped my face, and stood to survey my surroundings. The beautiful little people around me, the eyes that loved me no matter the mistakes I had made, or the ones I am sure to make in the future. The home entrusted to me by God and my husband that lay in shambles.... I took a deep breath and said to myself.....
"Here goes nothing.....or possibly... everything...."
~To be continued ~
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