Mommy Training: Part 4 - His Kindness Leads us to Repentance

Last night I stumbled upon THIS LIST of ten things to remember when your child is disobedient. Many of them were convicting, some were reassuring, but one of them hit me right in the gut.

His [the Lord's] kindness leads us to repentance.

I have come to realize that there is something within all of us that instantly resists an angry or irritated person. Think of if a boss or supervisor came up to us and started yelling at us about something we did, or even if our husbands came up to us and started getting all frustrated. We tend to get defensive, build up walls, and get angry right back, thereby learning nothing and taking nothing to heart.

However, when someone approaches us in true love, humility, and compassion, we tend to listen more. At least for me I can say that the gentle and compassionate correction turns my heart more than the angry irritated correction. Do you see why this hit me so hard?

Which leads me to Galatians chapter 5:

Some fruits that I need to cultivate include longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, and temperance, especially toward my children.


In contrast, wrath is defined as a work of the flesh, and a sin. I am sinning each time I give way to wrath or anger. I need forgiveness. I must seek repentance, and how the Lord can be so kind, forgiving, and accepting of me even in my sin, I will never know.

His kindness leads me to true repentance. His salvation which holds only one condition, to believe, humbles me in heart and brings me to tears. How can the Creator of the world, and the maker of everything, be so kind to me when I constantly disappoint Him, even after He died as the price for my filthy sin?
 



Thank God for Grace and Mercy Undeserved.

Mommy Training: Part 3 - Distractions

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Distractions. There are enough of them in a single day to last anyone a lifetime. With a mission as important as motherhood and nation building, adding to them unnecessarily would certainly be looked upon as an unwise decision. Today, I culled through myself, my emotions, and the roots of many of my frustrations. I found that most of my frustrations come from not being able to be everything to everyone. I'm just one person with twenty four hours in each day just like everyone else. I can only be so much, I can only do so much, so I need to make it count. Between running my business and being the bookkeeper and planner for my husband's business, homeschooling, keeping home, and raising six children, my plate is full to overflowing. With blessings, of course, but overflowing nonetheless. 

I have come to realize that sometimes Satan can take situations and use them to his advantage. 

Today, I deactivated my Facebook account. At least temporarily. For me, being the emotional type that I am, Facebook  can be a seed bed of bitterness and anger. It is a reminder of friendships lost that really did mean a lot to me, a reminder of brutal betrayal and slander that continues to this day, a full year later, and having been presented with a window into the lives of others, it brings upon me a burden that I am not capable of bearing at the present time. I have noticed over the past few weeks that I have become more bitter and more critical as painful things surface, and even as I bear witness to the hardships that others are being made to endure when I am unable to help as I wish I could. My problem is not what God has blessed me with, but rather what I have added onto those blessings that have caused life to become a heavy burden. I find myself surviving each day rather than thriving, and that is not a place where I want to spend the rest of my life. So, for now, until I can get to a place where I have more control over my emotions and other reactions, I am stepping back. I suffer from a social anxiety anyway, so I think it is for the best.


I will still be running Rose Cottage Creations, and our Teasley Family Farms website will still be running. I will still be taking orders and filling them. My friends know how to contact me if they desire. I'm sorry if, by doing this, I end up letting someone down, but please understand that I have to prioritize, and when I can't do it all, my top priorities must reign without a second thought. I have a lot of training to go before I am ready to take on more. 

So, as a shaping influence in my children's life, I have chosen to eliminate distractions so that I can better serve my family. 

Mommy Training: Part 2 - Lead By Example

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It's one of those things, one of those common sense concepts, that is easier said than done. 

Lead by example. Treat others how you would want them to treat you. Practice what you preach. I have been surrounded by this concept all of my life, and have never given it hardly a passing thought. Of course I know it to be true, but knowing something is right is not as difficult as putting it into practice.

Chapter 2 of Shepherding a Child's Heart is my focus right now. The title of this chapter is Your Child's Development: Shaping Influences. Below is an excerpt that really spoke to my heart.

"The person your child becomes is a product of two things. The first is his life experience. The second is how he interacts with that experience. The first chart deals with the shaping influences of life. In the next chapter, I will introduce a chart addressing the child’s response to those shaping influences. He is not merely acted upon by the circumstances of life. He reacts. He responds according to the Godward orientation of his heart."

~Tripp, Tedd (2011-07-22). Shepherding a Child's Heart (p. 10). Shepherd Press. Kindle Edition. 

A child is shaped by two things, his experiences and how he responds to those experiences. How he responds to experiences is predominantly influenced, especially in the early years, by those whom he is around the most and who he esteems the most. For us as a larger-than-ordinary homeschooling family, the shaping influences in my children's' lives are each other, myself, and my husband. How we respond to situations shapes how they will respond to situations.

I have no right to discipline my child for yelling when I yell rather than exhibit self-control. I have no right to discipline my child for stomping off and slamming a door when I could also use some work in managing my outward displays of frustration. I see in my children myself, and my husband. Both our best, and our worst, and everything in between. Being a predominant shaping influence in my child's life, I need to constantly display the attitude, actions, and temperament that is good, holy, right, and acceptable. Then and only then will they begin to understand what I am trying to teach them.

This is why I have called my journey "Mommy Training." It has to start with me, and my heart condition. I have no right to expect from my children what I cannot even consistently exhibit myself.

Pray for me, I've got a long road ahead. Praise the LORD for grace. Amen.

Overcoming Mountains on Day One

I feel like I just fought an uphill battle and won, even though Amy is still in her room screaming. I told her 30 minutes ago that she had a set amount of time to clean her room so that I can vacuum, came back in after that time and saw that she had been playing rather than cleaning up. Exhausted of disciplinary ideas, I told her that since she chose to not listen to me, since I have asked her to clean her room three times already today and she has deliberately chosen to disobey me, thereby disobeying God, she will not be getting dessert tonight and I will be getting rid of all the toys that are still on the floor. Of course, this was followed by screaming of "Mommy!! Mommy!! I WILL CLEAN UP, I JUST WANT A TREAT AFTER DINNER!!" Echoed again and again. I told her that she can clean up her toys and keep them, but she will not be getting any dessert because she chose not to obey me the first time I asked (or second or third), and maybe this will remind her next time that she needs to obey the first time asked. She threw a complete tantrum screaming at me saying "I JUST WONT STOP CRYING UNTIL YOU GIVE ME DESSERT AFTER DINNER!!!" To which I calmly replied "I'm sorry, then you will just have to keep on crying." Then I shut her door (because I will not give audience to her ugliness of behavior) and walked away. I did not lose my temper, I did not yell, and I did not spank. I feel like I overcame a major obstacle.

It is possible! Look out world! A new, more gentle and calm momma is coming to town! :-)

Chapter 1 Getting to the Heart of Behavior

Chapter 1
Getting to the Heart of Behavior

The Scripture teaches that the heart is the control center for life. A person’s life is a reflection of his heart. Proverbs 4:23 states it like this: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well-spring of life.” The word picture here is graphic. The heart is a well from which all the issues of life gush forth. This theme is restated elsewhere in the Bible. The behavior a person exhibits is an expression of the overflow of the heart.  You could picture it like this. The heart determines behavior. What you say and do expresses the orientation of your heart. Mark 7:21 states: “ … from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.” These evils in action and speech come from within—from the heart. What your children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts.

Luke 6:45 corroborates this point: The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. These passages are instructive for the task of childrearing. They teach that behavior is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart. Remember, the heart is the control center of life. Parents often get sidetracked with behavior. If your goal in discipline is changed behavior, it is easy to understand why this happens. The thing that alerts you to your child’s need for correction is his behavior. Behavior irritates and thus calls attention to itself. Behavior becomes your focus. You think you have corrected when you have changed unacceptable behavior to behavior that you sanction and appreciate.

“What is the problem?” you ask. The problem is this: Your child’s needs are far more profound than his aberrant behavior. Remember, his behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior—the things he says and does—reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive his behavior. A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable. Is it not the hypocrisy that Jesus condemned in the Pharisees? In Matthew 15, Jesus denounces the Pharisees who have honored him with their lips while their hearts were far from him. Jesus censures them as people who wash the outside of the cup while the inside is still unclean. Yet this is what we often do in childrearing. We demand changed behavior and never address the heart that drives the behavior.

What must you do in correction and discipline? You must require proper behavior. God’s law demands that. You cannot, however, be satisfied to leave the matter there. You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior. How did his heart stray to produce this behavior? In what characteristic ways has his inability or refusal to know, trust, and obey God resulted in actions and speech that are wrong?

Let’s take a familiar example from any home where there are two or more children. The children are playing and a fight breaks out over a particular toy. The classic response is “Who had it first?” This response misses heart issues. “Who had it first?” is an issue of justice. Justice operates in the favor of the child who was the quicker draw in getting the toy. If we look at this situation in terms of the heart, the issues change.

Now you have two offenders. Both children are displaying a hardness of heart toward the other. Both are being selfish. Both children are saying, “I don’t care about you or your happiness. I am only concerned about myself. I want this toy. My happiness depends on possessing it. I will have it and be happy regardless of what that means to you.” In terms of issues of the heart, you have two sinning children. Two children are preferring themselves before the other. Two children are breaking God’s law. Sure, the circumstances are different. One is taking the toy that the other has. The other is keeping the advantage. The circumstances are different, but the heart issue is the same—“I want my happiness, even at your expense.”

You see, then, how heart attitudes direct behavior. This is always true. All behavior is linked to attitudes of the heart. Therefore, discipline must address attitudes of the heart. This understanding does marvelous things for discipline. It makes the heart the issue, not just the behavior. It focuses correction on deeper things than changed behavior. The profoundest issue is what happens in the heart. Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ. It underscores the need for a Savior. It provides opportunities to show the glories of God who sent his Son to change hearts and free people enslaved to sin.

This emphasis is the fundamental tenet of this book: The heart is the well-spring of life. Therefore, parenting is concerned with shepherding the heart. You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children. In short, you must learn to engage them, not just reprove them. Help them see the ways that they are trying to slake their souls’ thirst with that which cannot satisfy. You must help your kids gain a clear focus on the cross of Christ.

This proposition will inform everything you do as parents. It will dictate your goals. It will inform your methods. It will shape your model of how children develop.

This book will address all the facets of childrearing. We will look at a biblical view of the parenting task. We will examine child development. We will focus on parenting goals. We will think through training methods. In all these topics the core issue will be shepherding the heart.

I am not offering simple, clever methodology here. I am not promoting a new three-step plan for trouble-free children. I am not presenting a simple way to meet their needs so you can get on with your life. I am, however, willing to explore with you fresh ways of pursuing the training task God has given you. I offer these things as one who is not new to the task, but who hasn’t grown cynical about parenting. I am more excited about this job than ever. I am full of hope and certain that God can enable us to raise from our homes a holy seed for the church.

I have seen families get hold of the principles in this book. I have seen parents shepherding happy, productive children who are alert to themselves and life. I visited such a home recently. The family was alive and vibrant. Teenage children were at home, because home was an exciting place to be. Father and Mother were held in high esteem and sought out for advice. The Bible and biblical truth blew through every conversation—not with stifling heat, but like a refreshing, life-giving breeze. In this home, five generations have kept the faith and a sixth is learning that God is the fountain of life in whose light we see light.

These are things worth striving for. This is a vision worthy of sacrifice.

If you are to sort through the welter of confusion about childrearing, you must go to the Scriptures for answers. I am committed to the fact that the Scriptures are robust enough to provide us with all the categories and concepts we need for this task. For too long the church has tried to integrate biblical and nonbiblical thought forms to answer the questions of parenting. The resulting synthesis has produced bitter fruit. We need to understand our task biblically.

You need to understand your child in relationship to the two broad sets of issues that affect him:
1)      The child and his relationship to the shaping influences of life.
2)      The child and his relationship to God. In the next two chapters we will discuss these two arenas of child development.

Questions for Chapter 1

1.      Explain the importance of dealing with the heart in discipline and correction of children.
2.      Describe the centrality of the heart in directing behavior.
3.      Why is it so easy to get sidetracked with behavior when issues of the heart are clearly so much more important? 4.      What is wrong with a change in behavior without a change in the heart?
5.      If the point of discipline is to direct the heart, how does that change the approach to discipline and correction?

Tripp, Tedd (2011-07-22). Shepherding a Child's Heart (Ch1). Shepherd Press.

Mommy Training: Part 1

Today is day one of my Mommy Training Journey as explained HERE.

This morning I had a talk with Amy, my oldest. I asked her how she would feel if she was trying to tell me something that was really important to her and I didn't listen to her. She said it would make her sad and mad. I asked her then, how does she think that I feel when she chooses not to listen to me when I tell her something that is important to me, like to obey me, and she said that it would make me mad and sad. I agreed. We talked about how we all need to start listening to each other and being nice to each other, including mommy. I said I was sorry for getting so mad so much, and I said that I would do better. I explained to her that I didn't have a mommy growing up, because my mommy died when I was Sarah's age. I didn't have a mommy to teach me how to be a mommy, so just like she is learning how to be a big girl, I am learning how to be a mommy. I gave her permission to come up to me when I am getting mad and to tell me "Mommy, you are not being nice." I also told her that I would do the same for her if she started being mad. I told her that we could help each other. I explained to her that Joanna and Sarah look up to her and watch her and do everything that she does because she is their big sister. We talked about how, when Amy does bad things or is disobedient, Joanna and Sarah think that it is what they are suppose to do too, then they get in trouble too. I told her that she needs to be good so that Joanna and Sarah can learn to be good too, because she is a bigger influence on them than I am. She agreed, we hugged, and the morning has been going pretty well. We are going to start reviewing John 14:15 in our devotions, and studying how we prove to Jesus that we love Him by keeping His New Testament commandments (HERE as well), and how they can utilize this concept when obeying mommy and daddy, because learning to obey mommy and daddy is preparation and training for learning to obey God once called by the Spirit unto salvation. After bedtime tonight I will be reading chapters one and two from Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp: Getting to the Heart of Behavior, and Your Child's Development: Shaping Influences. As always, this is open for discussion if anyone wants to take this journey with me.

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Be blessed.

Mommy Training: Introduction

We have been having some very bad obedience issues in my house as of late, and I have come to the conclusion that it is not a child-discipline issue, but rather a mommy-discipline issue. Therefore, I am starting an experiment of sorts, to attempt to be trained to be the right kind of mommy. To have the right responses and exhibit the right behavior, behavior that I would want my kids to exhibit back to me. This is Mommy Training 101 for me, a journal of my journey over this next week or so, and perhaps maybe a source of ideas or encouragement to any other mom of many out there. I will be learning how to Shepherd My Child's Heart instead of just herding it. I will be using Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp in this journey, reviewing two chapters a day on my Kindle app for PC, if anyone would like to join me.