One of the Hardest Parts of Parenting

Parenting is difficult, there's no doubt about it. The demands of parenting are unlike any other. Teaching, guiding, correcting, playing referee, and simply just being there and being available; it can get very tough at times. However, at least for me, there is one part that it more difficult than others.

GUILT

 I fail miserably every single day. I lose patience. I get irritated and aggravated. Honestly, I hate repeating myself (and with six children you KNOW that's bound to happen many times over in a day!). I lose my temper. I raise my voice sometimes. Other times I just want to send them all to bed and curl up in a corner and cry. There is no job more emotionally or mentally draining than parenting. 

However, amazingly, my children love me. Their artwork proudly displays this..... little notes to brighten my day.... they hang everywhere as a reminder to me of how much they love me.

The best? Silly children, don't they know? Don't they see? All the times I fail them, all the times they receive what is not rightfully theirs in my frustration and fatigue... don't they see how terrible I really am? Can't they see that I don't deserve their love, their admiration, their appreciation? I am wretched, I am a miserable example of the emotional flesh all rolled into a big hot ball of self-pity and guilt. Are they are so naive that they cannot see my failings, my falterings, my dirty, grimy, filthy self? 

I lose my temper at having to repeat myself for the thirteenth time to an older child who "knows better," and here inside myself I chide, berate, and cut down myself for failing yet again today when suddenly this face that was so recently in tears comes before me smiling with a colorful token.....

"I love you Mommy"

You love me?

You love ME? 

But WHY?? 

I just want to go hide in a corner somewhere, shrivel up, and sob. Why would they love me? Haven't I hurt them enough? Haven't I failed them enough? Are they going to wake up one day with the realization of the stinking mess that I truly am and then hate me finally like I deserve? How can they possibly love ME? 

I don't deserve their love. Not by a long shot. 

Then comes that still, small voice like a gentle autumn breeze.....

"All the times you've failed Me, I still love you with a love that endures forever. Even while you cursed me in your sin, I loved you still. I loved you so much in your stinking, rotten flesh that I sent my only Son, my perfect and holy Son to die a miserable death, to become sin, for your sake, that I might be with you in eternity one day if you only believe and love me back.... don't you remember My sacrifice for YOU?"

Yes, more tears come as this realization hits me hard, hits me deep in the soul where only the Spirit can touch. I am so unworthy. 

I. AM. UNWORTHY. 

This time, though, the echo does not spawn out of self-pity, but rather out of self-realization. I am unworthy. 

I am unworthy of love.

I am unworthy of sacrifice.

I am unworthy of praise, of adoration, of esteem....

I am unworthy of forgiveness. 

I am broken.

I am flawed.

I am at war; a product of flesh reborn in the Spirit.

BUT GOD

Praise God, it doesn't end there! 

"BUT GOD commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

But God. Words so simple, yet so life changing.

χάρις

(charis)

Strong's G5485:

1) grace

a) that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness: grace of speech

2) good will, loving-kindness, favour

a) of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues

3) what is due to grace

a) the spiritual condition of one governed by the power of divine grace

b) the token or proof of grace, benefit

1) a gift of grace

2) benefit, bounty

4) thanks, (for benefits, services, favours), recompense, reward

Authorized Version (KJV) Translation Count — Total: 156

AV — grace 130, favour 6, thanks 4, thank 4, thank + 2192 3, pleasure 2, misc 7

But God.... but Grace....

 "But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." (1 Corinthians 15:10)

 "O give thanks unto the LORD; for He is good: for His mercy endureth for ever." (Psalm 136:1)

"But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him...." (Psalm 103:17a)

I've always said that my children have taught me more about the nature of God than any sermon or theology class combined. Here lies yet another instance. 

A raw, open, very real instance.

In myself, I am unworthy in every sense of the word. I deserve rejection, condemnation, scorn. I deserve hell-fire for what I am of myself. 

But God.... thank God for grace, that charis grace, that mercy undeserved and grace beyond all measure. He loved me so much, even in my stinking sin, that He sent His Son Christ Jesus to die for me, to take the sin-penalty and the penalty of the Law upon Himself, to become that price for me, that He might purchase me with His redeeming blood. 

I cannot boast in myself, not at all. I am nothing. I am less than the dirt and worms that I trod upon. But in CHRIST, I find everything that I want to be. 

I find peace. 

I find joy. 

I find forgiveness, 

healing,

strength,

and the courage to stand up, dust myself off, and try one more time. 

I can't be all things to all people, but I know who can. 

I can't be perfect all the time, but I know where to go to find the grace that I need to carry on even after I fail again. 

And again. 

And again.

And yet again.

Love letters from God remind me that even though I fail, and He knows it, He loves me anyway with a love beyond measure and beyond understanding. 

On my knees, I look up, and through the tears, His grace shines like a message in the sky...

Of course my children know that I fail. They see me fall, they see me stumble, they witness my searing tears when I've just simply had enough of me and this troublesome flesh that is my temporary home. I'm human, and they know it, and yet choose to look past it and love me anyway. Praise the Lord for their child-like faith in me. If, in all of my failings, I can find the strength to point them to Christ alone as my source, my provision, my comfort, and my safe harbor, then I will think myself having accomplished much more than I could have ever hoped. 

I don't want my children to see me as perfect, because I'm most absolutely not. I don't want to be a fake mom. That's not what is best for them. What is best for them is real. Real trials. Real struggles. Real tears. Real prayers. Real "I'm sorry," and real reconciliation. I am real, and that means that I am really weak in and of myself, but our God is real, and His love and mercy is real, as is His promised help in times of need if we only ask, seek, knock. We weren't meant to bear this burden of world and flesh alone. He wants our dependence; our child-like faith, love, and complete and utter dependence.

Here I am, Lord. Ugly, unworthy, and unfit. In You, however, I know that I am beautiful. By Your grace alone.

Praise the Lord for Grace.

The Heart of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is so important to the Christian walk. So important that, as it says in Matthew 6:14-15, if we don't forgive those who have wronged us, our Father in Heaven will not forgive us for our trespasses.

What, though, does true Christian forgiveness look like?

We can dance around the phrases of  "Forgive, but never forget," because, in all honesty, this concept make sense to the flesh. We are inclined in the flesh to hold a grudge, even after we've claimed to have forgiven those who have wronged us and hurt us so personally and severely. We can cite conditions for forgiveness, insisting that our enemies must first repent before we are required to issue forgiveness, but this response it not backed up by Scripture. Our Lord doesn't say to forgive those who have repented and shown sorrow and change, it says simply to forgive. Not only that, but our Lord instructs us to bless those who hurt, use, and persecute us, to give to the man two cloaks who would sue us for one, and for the man who requires of us one mile, walk with him two. This is the heart of forgiveness.

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."

Matthew 5:38-48

 It defies the flesh, the flesh that seeks justice and an even exchange. It defies the Mosaic Law that demanded blood and justice to balance the scales for wrongdoings. In the eyes of man, in the eyes of flesh hindered by the curse of this fallen world, there is no justice in biblical forgiveness. However, there is much justice in forgiveness in the eyes of the Lord. How is it that there is justice for our sins when the Lord forgives us, His children? We trespass against the Lord all too often. We fall short daily, hourly. We slack in our Bible reading, in our study of His Holy Word. We push true and focused prayer to the back burner because life just gets too overwhelming, tiring, busy. We let distractions take time away from us when we could be better spending it elsewhere on more [spiritually, emotionally, personally] profitable activities. Then we make excuses, as if the Lord will accept them. We go to war over our convictions in an attempt to sway others instead of resting in them, and in the calm assurance that the Lord provides, then we make the excuses for our unloving actions in the name of sharing the Gospel (the Gospel which is at the root the very love of Christ). We lament our trials with a weary and self-seeking heart, and we falter in our faith when we do not trust the Lord to provide as He has promised. We don't trust the very promises we have claimed in the Gospel of Christ.

We fail. Miserably. Every. Single. Moment. Yet, the Lord finds much justice in the forgiveness that He extends, without question, each and every time. Not only is He faithful to forgive us our sins, as He promised, but He is just to forgive as well.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

1 John 1:9

 And what, then, does our Heavenly Father do when He extends and grants this divine pardon and forgiveness to us? What does the same Father who keeps record of all of our tears and pains do with the record of our sins? He remembers them no more! He exercises His divine authority and forgets them, as if they never happened. What justice is there in that for us, as week and feeble beings of flesh? The One who knows all things chooses to forget our sins. Our debt too large to measure is paid in full by the blood of Christ. Praise the Lord for grace!

Some then argue for conditional forgiveness on our part. We should only forgive those who hurt us IF they repent, just as the Lord forgives us IF we confess...

No, dear sisters. We do not exercise the authority or the ability of the Lord. We, as beings of flesh, are not created with the ability to forget as the Lord chooses to. He is not bound by flesh and the carnal nature as we are. We do not exercise the authority to set the conditions for the forgiveness that we extend either, for we are not God, the Creator of the universe, nor are we Christ, the propitiation for sins. We simply trust and obey. The Lord does not leave to us the authority of conditional forgiveness. He simply leaves us with the instruction to forgive.

When we refuse to forgive, to scripturally forgive, not only do we give Satan a foothold in our lives to plant roots of bitterness and spite in the heart of flesh, but we shake our fists in defiance of the will of God towards us saying, "No! Your Words are not just and neither are they good enough for me! No! I will NOT forgive unless they meet MY requirements, because Your requirements of ME are nothing compared to MY requirements of them! I will not submit to You, because there is no justice in what You say for me to do, to forgive them, bless them, pray for them, and love them with a self-sacrificing act of heart and intention."

What if.... what if forgiveness isn't about US or THEM, about the victim and the trespasser? What if it is about God and HIS holiness?

What if our Father instructs us to forgive not to make us feel better, or to absolve them of responsibility, but rather to point to HIS justice, HIS mercy, HIS grace, and HIS holiness?

What if it's about the Gospel alone?

"Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."

Romans 12:19

How can we give place unto the wrath of the Lord, who has promised to be our defender and avenger, when we are so bent on taking vengeance ourselves through the disobedient act of unforgiveness? How can we lean on and rest in the righteous judgement of the Lord when we are so intently leaning on our own idea of justice? Yes, we are called to judge by the fruits, and judge righteously in this world as His saints, yet we must remain humble and remember that we can only judge objectively in this world, as our knowledge and judgement are clouded by our eyes and hearts of flesh. Furthermore, no judgement of ours trumps the instruction of the Lord, who instructs us to forgive while neglecting to give us prerequisites to apply to our forgiveness.

So, dear ones, what say we?

Should we forgive? Of course we should.

Should we forgive because it is the just thing to do? Because our offender deserves it? Absolutely not. Just as we do not earn, deserve, or find justice in the forgiveness that is given to us when we fail the Lord. We forgive, rather, because it is the right and the required thing to do. We forgive others because Christ forgave us. It's about HIM and HIS righteousness, not about ourselves.

We do not forgive for the benefit of ourselves, and we do not forgive for the benefit of others, but we forgive for the glory of the Lord. Notwithstanding, the rest often follows and falls into place. There is much blessing in obedience, even if it defies all human logic and flesh. We forgive because God receives glory in our obedience. We forgive because we love the Lord and His righteousness more than we love worldly justice. We forgive because we have faith that the Lord will fulfill all of His promises without fail, even the promise of Romans 12:19.

What does biblical forgiveness look like?

• The debt is absolved on our end, we remember it no more, as if it never happened. 
• We don't bring it up again, because what place in our lives, hearts, and conversations has a debt that has been paid in full? If the slate is clean, then why write upon it again? 
• We bless those who have wronged us, even in the midst of the very act of their persecution. We do good to them, we strive with them, and we give to them from the faith and obedience of a good heart in tune with the very heart of God, the heart of love. 

• We do not let the roots of bitterness thrive in our hearts. Bitterness is a sneaky and destructive sin and it can be found in what we think, which spills into what we say. When we find ourselves thinking hard-hearted and mean-spirited things about someone due to how they have wronged us, you can guarantee that there is a major root of bitterness at work. This comes often in the form of "I've forgiven, but....." There are no but's in biblical forgiveness. If it continues to rise up for rehashing, be it in mind or tongue, it is Satan's work and requires immediate spiritual attention before the Lord. Bitter-root stew is a hard spoonful to swallow, and it poisons no one but ourselves as it draws us further into the clutches of Satan and away from the blessing and protection of the Lord.

Harboring a grudge and unforgiveness is only human. It's only natural. However, we have been saved out of our sinful, natural state to rise into the supernatural.  We are not of this world, whom Satan is the god over for the present time until the Lord returns to claim what is rightfully His. We do not serve this world, nor the flesh it represents and glorifies. We have been called to a greater life, a greater joy, and a greater calling. Peace isn't found in justice, it is found in forgiveness, it is found in the heart of Christ. Anything else that whispers to us contrary to this Spirit is a lie and is to be resisted and turned over to the Lord for rebuke.

Any weak soul can hold on to a debt and a hurt. It takes true strength found only in Christ to forgive.

Be strong, sisters. Don't give Satan a foothold. Forgive those who trespass against you, and the Lord will bless your obedience and forgive you of your own sins as well. Remember where you came from, and extend grace to those weak in the faith or without, just as Christ extends grace to you daily. Don't be so critical, but rather be empathetic, and be peacemakers, not troublemakers. In all things:

"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets."

Matthew 7:12

We've heard it said that a humble heart is a happy heart. Well, I go a step further to challenge all of us that a humble heart is a forgiving heart.

A great post from (in)courage: Not My Nature

Reflection vs Introspection

Parenting by reflection. 

That's what I have come to realize that I have been doing for the past seven years. I look into the mirror that the world has provided me; that dingy, filthy mirror of degraded youth and worthlessness, and I see myself as I was in high school.

Small

Inadequate

Powerless

Too young to know much about anything

Frustrated

Emotionally turbulent 

Essentially, immature

I see myself as unequipped and unprepared to do the tasks set before me. I find myself, lately, wondering why that is....

For too long society has told America's youth that they are suppose to be "kids" for too long. 

Do not work until you have to, don't even help out around the house unless you get paid. When you do have to get a job, do the bare minimum and no more, especially not without demanding a pay raise. If you lose your job, no big deal, just get unemployment. Don't settle for minimum wage, and for heaven's sake, don't put yourself so low as to get a labor job like picking crops or working in the slaughtering business! Be lazy, well into your twenties, and it's okay. It's all part of growing up, right? Go do stupid things, then call them mistakes and run away from the consequences. Get married and willingly have children, "Oh my goodness what, are you stupid?? It will never last!" Yet, sleep around and have a child out of wedlock, "Oh, it's okay, you messed up, happens to everyone. Let us help you raise the child while you get your life situated." And definitely don't claim a religion!

"Growing up" is not expected to happen until mid to late twenties in America, and that is becoming the social norm. There is no work ethic, and no respect of younger people, even the younger people who try to do things the right way, because of this new societal norm. 

And we wonder why we have so many immigrants taking the lower paying and less desirable jobs? They have not been conditioned to think so highly of themselves as to overlook a paying job. They would (most) would rather work for a little money than sit around doing nothing for even slightly more money.

ADOLESCENCE IS A MYTH that our country is biting hook, line, and sinker.

Not only does this cause our work ethic and moral to decline, but it causes crime and "activism" (pride, selfishness) to rise, and it increases the demand for government assistance via other people's tax dollars. It has become acceptable to demand that other people (govt assistance) pay for our wants/desires/"needs" whereas even fifty years ago, it would have been seen as utterly disgraceful.

What is the impact of this on the youth who are trying so desperately to rise above this stigma?

• We are grouped in with the "norm" even when we do not conform to that norm. 
• People judge us based solely on our youth without getting to know our person or our ethics. Job applications are even declined or overlooked simply because of the age of the applicant.
• Any effort to put forth a good image is shot down as being a "smart aleck" and we are written off as not knowing anything simply because of our age. "Oh no she didn't, that 26 year old mother of six did NOT just give that 30 year old first time mom advice!! Who does she think she is???"
• Hospitals think that you need more counseling or instruction, as a young parent. 
• People feel sorry for you. That is probably the most impacting, because rather than build us up in our efforts, people just feel sorry for us and send their condolences at how hard our life must be (in their eyes) because they have lost sight of what "growing up" should be like. 

 Yes, the curse of the social stigma of age, of youth. 

What does all of this have to do with parenting?

Well, for me, it is two-fold. 

First, I begin to see myself as they portray to me I am at a young age. Then it grows with me as I do, and I start to believe it, even as young as 13, that I don't know anything, and that I have no abilities in the "grown-up" areas of "expertise. I start to believe the lies of society. My mirror becomes clouded and dirty with the filth and opinions of this world. 

Second, I carry that clouded and misguided image of myself to parenting. People tell me that I am too young to be a mom, much less a mom to six children under seven. People tell me that I don't know what I am doing. People tell me that I'll never last as a low-(but making it work without government assistance!!)income stay at home, homeschooling mom of six, and that I will have a mental breakdown. The government tells me that I don't know how to raise my children, and that I can't possibly afford to raise them on one income without their help. 

I start to believe it. I have been conditioned to believe it. I am a product of society after all, thanks mostly to the years in government schools with a lack of parental guidance in certain essential areas. Maybe I am too young. Maybe I am clueless. Maybe we won't be able to make it on one income. Maybe (on a bad day) I will have a mental breakdown. What was I thinking??

What was I thinking?

I think that perhaps in many many young people (14-25) the self-assurant and confident-in-their-own-abilities part starts to come out, but it is too quickly squashed by society and the people around them who also subscribe to the societal norms of our generation. I think that many young people feel this way all too often, they become aware that they DO know some things, and they ARE adept at other things, and that they CAN make things work, but are shut down and then start to believe that maybe they were wrong. Adolescence is a time for mistakes after all, right?

We need to realize that this societal norm is WRONG!

...

Yes, I said wrong.

We need to change this norm. 

We need to turn the tide in a culture that would go so far to prevent children from having responsibility that they would enact laws to prevent children under 16-18 from even stocking or picking produce on their own family farms! 

But, until then, the youth of America needs to take a stand, and stand in the Lord. 

God did not create adolescence, it is an invention of self-serving man. God created us to work, and to be enabled to do anything He calls us to do.

Respect your parents, honor their rules and their home, no doubt, but rest in the assurance that you are able to think for yourself.

As for me..... I need to do that as well. 

I need to wipe that mirror off and scrub it down with some newspaper and vinegar. I need to see myself as able, equipped, and called. I need to start consistently viewing myself through the Lord's eyes and not the rose colored shades of society. I need to stop biting the bait of selfishness and self-indulgence. I'm not entitled to anything other than to be left alone. The government and the past generations owe me squat. I need to work for what I have, and I AM able to do so. 

I need to stop seeing myself as an inadequate child, because that is simply a lie. 

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that a mirror does not show the inside. A mirror cannot show your inner beauty, your inner strength, or your wisdom or knowledge, no matter how clean.

I need to rest in what the mirror can't see, rather than what is showcases, for it is not I, but Christ, and I am well equipped in Him.

Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Hebrews 13:20-21