All's Well on the Front.... or is it?
Storm Clouds Looming on the Homefront
Storm Clouds Looming on the Homefront
I was leading a double life.
Family, friends, strangers, they all had this crazy idea that my life was perfect.
Ready for a shocker? It wasn't. Not by a long shot.
What looked like perfect peace and happiness on the outside was simply an exterior masking of the internal turmoil bubbling behind closed doors. I was struggling. Struggling with finding my place, struggling with pleasing everyone, struggling with doing everything for everyone all the time, and I was taking it out on those around me.
No one listened to me, no one was aware of my plight. The more I yelled the worse it got. I yelled for the kids to be quiet, to be good, to behave, and it only made things louder. I yelled at them to listen to me, and they only tuned me out more. I cried and complained to my ever patient husband, and he couldn't offer me any solution. I pinned my problems on everyone around me.
Then one day, reality slapped me in the face like a wet fish.
It wasn't them, it was ME!
I wanted recognition. I wanted glory for my works. I wanted nice things and a peaceful home without having to nurture it to maturation. I wanted respect without having to earn it. I was desperately clinging to a quickly crumbling status quo and wondering why on earth wasn't it working??
"For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted."
~Luke 14:11
My life is a living testimony to that. I was attempting to exalt myself, and the Lord sure did bring me down to my appropriate level. I am nothing. I don't deserve recognition. I serve a mighty God, who deserves ALL the recognition and praise, not me. Why would someone praise the waiter for the work of the chef?
So, I humbled myself. I took my place at the Master's feet, and I begun to work with my hands in a way that would bring glory to Christ, not myself. In that process, I have indeed been exalted, even undeservingly so. The Lord has given a peace that radiates from the inside out that the storms of life cannot sweep away.
Family, friends, strangers, they all had this crazy idea that my life was perfect.
Ready for a shocker? It wasn't. Not by a long shot.
What looked like perfect peace and happiness on the outside was simply an exterior masking of the internal turmoil bubbling behind closed doors. I was struggling. Struggling with finding my place, struggling with pleasing everyone, struggling with doing everything for everyone all the time, and I was taking it out on those around me.
No one listened to me, no one was aware of my plight. The more I yelled the worse it got. I yelled for the kids to be quiet, to be good, to behave, and it only made things louder. I yelled at them to listen to me, and they only tuned me out more. I cried and complained to my ever patient husband, and he couldn't offer me any solution. I pinned my problems on everyone around me.
Then one day, reality slapped me in the face like a wet fish.
It wasn't them, it was ME!
I wanted recognition. I wanted glory for my works. I wanted nice things and a peaceful home without having to nurture it to maturation. I wanted respect without having to earn it. I was desperately clinging to a quickly crumbling status quo and wondering why on earth wasn't it working??
"For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted."
~Luke 14:11
My life is a living testimony to that. I was attempting to exalt myself, and the Lord sure did bring me down to my appropriate level. I am nothing. I don't deserve recognition. I serve a mighty God, who deserves ALL the recognition and praise, not me. Why would someone praise the waiter for the work of the chef?
So, I humbled myself. I took my place at the Master's feet, and I begun to work with my hands in a way that would bring glory to Christ, not myself. In that process, I have indeed been exalted, even undeservingly so. The Lord has given a peace that radiates from the inside out that the storms of life cannot sweep away.
****
Speaking of the storms of life....
I have been married to my husband for going on eight years now. We have been through some tough times.
We've been through physical (worldly) battles of finances, broken promises, and all the growing up that comes with age and babies. We've also been through innumerable spiritual battles that practically left our marriage in shambles. Personally, I've been through three very harsh rounds of PPD, I've battled with PTSD and other anxiety disorders, and everything that goes along with the territory. My childhood was a wreck, I grew up in an abusive and drug-filled home, and the only reason I excelled in school was because I would have much rather been there instead of home. By the age of twelve, I had tried to commit suicide at least three times, and was unsuccessful. I was a slave in my own home while my abusive step-mom slept and ate all day. My own father was abusive to my stepmother and overlooked everything that she did to me. I spent my childhood years crying out to God in agony asking Him, if He loved me, why did He take my mother from me? Why was He putting me through this torment? Why couldn't He make them put me in foster care, or at least kill me? Why was He ignoring me??
What does this have to do with anything?
To point out that God is good, REGARDLESS of circumstances!
When the Lord called me to Him, I was broken. I was a pit of despair that He had somehow, for some reason, seen fit to preserve for His purposes. I was hanging in the jaws of hell. I had one hand in the devil's mouth and another in the belly of the world. I was SO close to giving in, and SO close to giving up. Then God's mercy and grace rained down.
I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior in the summer of 2001 at Word of Life Bible Camp in Florida, thanks from the heart to an anonymous donation on my behalf from a saint at Cornerstone Baptist Church in Lawrenceville, GA to pay my way.
The Lord preserved me when I was lost, then found me and pulled me out of the pit of my own works. I was forever changed.
What does this have to do with anything? You may ask again....
Because, it's by the storms that I grew. If it had been all sunshine and roses growing up, I would not be who I am today. Romans 8:28 is my life-verse. I am living proof!
I look at my blessings now. I look at my precious children, I look at my wonderful husband, and everything else and I realize the cold hard truth: If God had granted my petitions when I was a child, I would not have what I have now. I would never have met my husband, and I wouldn't have my children. I might not have even accepted Christ.
I had to come to a place where I extended forgiveness to those whom I harbored so much bitterness and resentment against for so long. I had to forgive them for their trespasses against me before healing could begin.
It was a process, but it is nearing completion. It wasn't until after my stepmother died four years ago that I could finally forgive her. It wasn't until last year that I could finally forgive my dad and his side of the family for never telling me that I was adopted by him, that he wasn't my blood-father. I had to humble myself and see things from another perspective before real change in myself could start to take over.
You never know what storms are there to make you grow.
I had to learn the hard way to welcome the storms, because they are for your good when they are from God's hand, nothing can touch us in Him without His permission first, and He will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear.
This is one of my new favorite songs:
(turn off music player)
I have been married to my husband for going on eight years now. We have been through some tough times.
We've been through physical (worldly) battles of finances, broken promises, and all the growing up that comes with age and babies. We've also been through innumerable spiritual battles that practically left our marriage in shambles. Personally, I've been through three very harsh rounds of PPD, I've battled with PTSD and other anxiety disorders, and everything that goes along with the territory. My childhood was a wreck, I grew up in an abusive and drug-filled home, and the only reason I excelled in school was because I would have much rather been there instead of home. By the age of twelve, I had tried to commit suicide at least three times, and was unsuccessful. I was a slave in my own home while my abusive step-mom slept and ate all day. My own father was abusive to my stepmother and overlooked everything that she did to me. I spent my childhood years crying out to God in agony asking Him, if He loved me, why did He take my mother from me? Why was He putting me through this torment? Why couldn't He make them put me in foster care, or at least kill me? Why was He ignoring me??
What does this have to do with anything?
To point out that God is good, REGARDLESS of circumstances!
When the Lord called me to Him, I was broken. I was a pit of despair that He had somehow, for some reason, seen fit to preserve for His purposes. I was hanging in the jaws of hell. I had one hand in the devil's mouth and another in the belly of the world. I was SO close to giving in, and SO close to giving up. Then God's mercy and grace rained down.
I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior in the summer of 2001 at Word of Life Bible Camp in Florida, thanks from the heart to an anonymous donation on my behalf from a saint at Cornerstone Baptist Church in Lawrenceville, GA to pay my way.
The Lord preserved me when I was lost, then found me and pulled me out of the pit of my own works. I was forever changed.
What does this have to do with anything? You may ask again....
Because, it's by the storms that I grew. If it had been all sunshine and roses growing up, I would not be who I am today. Romans 8:28 is my life-verse. I am living proof!
I look at my blessings now. I look at my precious children, I look at my wonderful husband, and everything else and I realize the cold hard truth: If God had granted my petitions when I was a child, I would not have what I have now. I would never have met my husband, and I wouldn't have my children. I might not have even accepted Christ.
I had to come to a place where I extended forgiveness to those whom I harbored so much bitterness and resentment against for so long. I had to forgive them for their trespasses against me before healing could begin.
It was a process, but it is nearing completion. It wasn't until after my stepmother died four years ago that I could finally forgive her. It wasn't until last year that I could finally forgive my dad and his side of the family for never telling me that I was adopted by him, that he wasn't my blood-father. I had to humble myself and see things from another perspective before real change in myself could start to take over.
You never know what storms are there to make you grow.
I had to learn the hard way to welcome the storms, because they are for your good when they are from God's hand, nothing can touch us in Him without His permission first, and He will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear.
This is one of my new favorite songs:
(turn off music player)
Sometimes the storms are only there to wash away the dirt and filth, so that a new bud can appear stronger than the one before.
This is my word to any readers that might happen by here:
Kill the roots of bitterness before they start to grow. They will affect your entire view of the Lord, and of the world. Even your blessings will seem tainted if you allow the bitterness to rule your heart and life. Kill them early, because this is one fruit that you want no part of, and once it flowers, it is very hard to abolish.
Storm clouds do not mean destruction, it's simply a fresh new beginning. Some leaves are turned by the gentle breeze, and others are turned by the fierce growls and electricity of the southern summer storms. Welcome both. In your most desperate hour of need, look to the Lord and know that He is holding you in His everlasting arms. He will never abandon you. He cares for you. He holds every tear. I must have cried an ocean in my youth, but to know now that He still holds each and everyone close, it strikes me in the heart. All those times I thought I was alone in my suffering, He was right there beside me, doubtless crying out with me as my High Priest as He did in the garden that day when He sweated blood on my account. To know that the Lord suffered along with me in my trials and distress, to know that His heart ached along with mine all those dark nights when I tried to end my walk on this earth because "Maybe then they will love me," He was right there, carrying me.
Thank you Lord, for preserving me, saving me, and blessing me beyond my wildest imagination. Help me to never lose sight of that. Your grace keeps me going, even when I feel like giving up.
****
Instead of fearing the storm clouds, I need to train my children to dance in the rain! For, no matter what storms God may allow to be sent our way, we can rest in the promise that:
"...all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
~Romans 8:28
"...all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
~Romans 8:28
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