A Moment of "Real"

"When it’s hard to keep your footing is right when you have to keep your faith."

"Sometimes you feel caged when really you’re only cupped."

~Some quotes from Ann Voskamp

Sometimes... sometimes I find myself just sitting. Sitting and wondering, how much more can a soul take? How much more can a soul give and give, only to find a dry spring in return? How much longer can one go on striving, only to be made to feel like a hindrance, a burden, and an inconvenience for wanting, for living, for dreaming?  How many times can hope be crushed before it dares not hope again? How many times can a person deny themselves for the benefit of others before exhaustion and resentment set in? What's more, how much guilt can a soul bear for feeling, for wanting, for being human?

My heart cries the song of David in my tears:

"How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?"

My heart knows, feels, the nearness of God, but the heart of the moment seems to escape my mind's eye. Can one be too self-sacrificing? It's impossible, yet all too tempting to feel. It's hard to sit in turmoil watching other people's lives reflect what you've only dared to pray for in your own. It's difficult to give, and give, and serve, and give, to no personal avail. It's even more difficult to constantly put others before yourself only to have them, those whom you love, scoff at the mention of your own desires and wants, or to dismiss them as petty and foolish; inconvenient. It's hard to return to Christ and lean on Him alone when everyone else seems to have failed you, and you feel so utterly, completely, miserably alone. This is just enough to make any particular introvert clam up for good. 

However, in this reflection, I find the grace of the Lord. 

Despised and rejected of men, He bore His cross that was set before the foundations of the world to die a propitiation for the sins of the world. While we scoffed, mocked, ridiculed, and hated Him, He loved us enough to die for us on that bloody Wednesday afternoon. Wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities, the price for our peace was on Him. A King made of Himself nothing, a servant, to wash the feet of those whom He created, to teach them in all humility, then to die the most offensive death for our sake's. 

While I mourn my own desires that are counted as irrelevant by those I love, my Lord came only to die for those that He loves. I wake up and bear the burden of child training each day wondering when will they ever learn, while He bore every waking moment knowing that His road would lead Him only to that bloody path to Calvary. I can at least hope in tomorrow, yet my Lord knew exactly where tomorrow would find Him, and yet continued on. I find myself frustrated at my one-skirt-that-fits wardrobe, while the King of all creation had no place to lay His head. I find myself stretched too thin, exhausted, off-put, dismissed, unappreciated, and misunderstood, yet my Lord bore my sins to the cross when I least deserved it, just to be with me.

In my e-mail this morning, I got my daily update from inCourage that stated simply:

God hasn't abandoned you. He's just growing you.

If I had only known this morning how much this would affect me tonight, I would have probably climbed back into bed! It's been a grueling past two weeks with no paycheck, and one more to go until this Friday rolls along. Scraping for milk and bread, having to rely on the brethren in desperate times, it can all be so overwhelming, humbling, and frustrating. Especially when you know that those who give do not give out of their abundance, but rather out of sacrifice. No righteous man wants to be a burden on another, yet it's often our burdens, our weaknesses, that God uses to draw us closer to Him, even when He seems so far away in times of trial. 

I lament, I feel so alone. So completely alone, shut up in a cage, under a rock, as if no one cares or dares to care anymore. I cry out, my needs and wants seem to be made trivial and dismissed. I weep in selfish sorrow, I know God is near, but it's not the same. 

I'm right, you know.....

Just not in the way I had anticipated....

No, it's not the same, because no one else could ever compare to the Lord. No one else could ever be so completely just HERE. No one else could read my heart and know my every thought. No one else could ever look at me the way that He does, through selfless compassion and unending grace. No one else keeps a record of my tears, yet erases my record of wrongs at the same instant. No one else cares for me as deeply, as truly, and as passionately as my Lord and Saviour does. No, it's not the same at all. 

It is so much more.

Why can't I grasp that? Why is it so hard to come to terms with? Why am I so focused on those whom I can see, touch, hear? Those people, they fail me daily, as I fail them daily as well. Why do I put so much faith in flesh? Why is it so hard to see by faith instead of by sight?

Lord, how do I learn to just... let go... of the things I want?

Oh what a glorious day that will be when my faith becomes my sight. I want for nothing more than to walk with my Lord and Saviour. To sit at His feet, to really be able to worship and serve as I ought to, not being hindered by this flesh or carnal spirit anymore. However, until that time that I am called Home, I will continue to strive. Perhaps once I really get a grip on what it means to serve the Lord, then all else will fall into place. Perhaps once I learn to love those around me as Christ does, then they will love me as He does in return. Lord help me, for it's not an easy path to trod. Until then, the Lord is my strength and my shield. In Him I place my trust.

"I will sing unto the LORD, because He hath dealt bountifully with me."

Sometimes our most beautiful blessings come out of the midst of our most miserable trials.